


Boots, Hats and Spurs

by ddelusionall



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Angry Sex, Angst, Cheating, Cowboys & Cowgirls, Crying, F/M, Jaejoong is NOT a Cowboy, Leaving Home, M/M, Outdoor Sex, So much angst, This is just the way life works sometimes, This is the most painful thing I have ever written, Yoochun has kids, Yoochun is a Cowboy, Yoochun is married, and it doesn't feel good, no happy ending, reunited, there is angst, this is painful, you will cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-17
Updated: 2010-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:55:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23811175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddelusionall/pseuds/ddelusionall
Summary: You can't ever go home again. Ever.
Relationships: Kim Jaejoong/Park Yoochun, Kim Jaejoong/Shim Changmin, Park Yoochun/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	1. Coming Home

**Author's Note:**

> I am importing my stories from LiveJournal. The original fic can be found [here](http://be-ddelusionall.livejournal.com/).
> 
> I haven't read this story in a long time, so I may have missed some tags. Just let me know if I did.

**Warning: Angst. I strongly suggest you have tissues handy.**

Yoochun hefted another bale up on the back of the trailer as it lugged along. His father sat, half turned, on the tractor moving slowly next to the line of hay bales. On the trailer, Yoohwan took the bale and added it to the growing pile. It was two bales high already, and this was their fourth load of the day.

The sun, no longer at its peak, was still hot on the skin and both brothers had stripped off their shirts long ago. Yoohwan had wrapped his on his forehead to keep the sweat from his eyes. His cowboy hat had blown off a while ago, but their dad would kill him if he tried to fetch it. Yoochun had shoved his shirt into the top of his pants.

The sweat from his head wasn't a problem, but it was dripping down his arms and his hands inside his work gloves were wet. But they were almost done with this field.

He hefted another bale of hay.

"Yoochun!" He looked at his brother. One hand blocked the sun from his eyes and the other pointed to the east. Yoochun turned around.

A cloud of dust was headed up the road about a mile away. It turned down the Kim's road. With such a large family, seeing a car on the road wasn't strange. He started to wonder why Yoohwan called his attention to it, and then the sun glinted off bright red paint.

No one at the Kims had a red car, and it definitely wasn't Junsu's red pickup truck. Probably one of the girls’ boyfriends.

"Yoochun!" his father shouted.

He jerked alert, grabbing the next bale and settled back into the chore. Mystery car forgotten.

|_K_|

The sun painted the sky a deep red, orange. The clouds were pink. The air cool. Yoochun, on top of a stake of hay seven bales high, straightened the last bale of the day. His father had been a few bales down, his brother hoisting them up to him. In a couple days, they'd need the Kim twins to help stack.

"You two head over to the stables. Bucky and Rixie are restless today. And no going to the Kims’. I want you home in an hour."

"Yes, sir," they both said.

The sky turned a dark blue as they made their way to the stables.

"Chunnie?"

"Huh?"  
"When are you going to get out of this place?"

Yoochun rolled his eyes. It was a common question from his brother's mouth. "I don't want to get out of here."

Yoohwan frowned. "I applied to Stanford, Berekly, couple other California schools."

"Does Mom know?"

"No. I-I want to wait and see."

Yoochun nodded. He held the door to the stables open for his little brother. Only one light shone in the darkness, and then Yoowhan turned on another. Yoochun took a deep breath of the smell of hay, leather, oil and manure. It smelled like home to him.

As he neared her stall, Rixie whinnied. He ducked under the gate.

"Hey, girl," he whispered.

She snorted and stamped and tossed her head when Yoochun grabbed her halter.

"Shh, girl, it's alright." He held out his palm. Her lips closed over the sugar cube. "Good girl. Come on. Lets go stretch those racing legs."

She snorted again, like she understood the joke. Rixie was ten years old, way beyond any dreams of racing.

Yoochun led her out of the stall and to the tack room. Yoohwan already had Bucky saddled.

"Quick, little bro," Yoochun said as he threw a blanket over Rixie's back.

"I don't stop to flirt with the horses."

Yoochun laughed.

"She likes it."

"I'll bet."

Yoochun lifted the saddle, settling it evenly on the blanket. He tightened the belt around the horse's middle. He adjusted the stirrups, gave the saddle a tug to make sure it was straight. He took a bridle off the wall and slipped it over her head, sliding the bit in her mouth.

"Good ol' girl," Yoochun said and slapped her rump. He gripped the saddle horn, put a foot in the stirrup and hoisted himself into the saddle. He clucked his tongue and nudged Rixie in the ribs. Her shod hooves clinked on the concrete floor, and then they were outside, under the blackening sky, already littered with stars. They rode in silence. Lights twinkled on a far hill. The Kims were their closest neighbors. Yoochun remembered the mysterious red car and wondered who it could be. Well, his mom would know by morning.

Yoochun thought about his brother leaving. He didn't mind. He'd sure miss him, but farming wasn't for everyone. Yoochun liked it. He liked the quiet accomplished feel of working with his hands, producing food and shelter from his own hard work. But he would not begrudge his brother the opportunity to leave. He was nineteen already, just two years younger than Yoochun. Yoohwan had much better grades in high school than Yoochun ever managed.

"I hope you get accepted," Yoochun said.

"Really?" He nodded.

"Yeah. It'll be a good opportunity for you. You're bigger than this town."

"Thanks, bro."

After a half hour, they headed back to the stalls. They unsaddled their rides, rubbed them down. After securing them inside, they each took a row and made sure all the horses had enough hay and water. Yoochun was starving. Dinner was always eaten late on summer days.

"Race you home?"

Yoochun smiled. "You're on. Loser has to muck in the morning."

With that incentive, they took off. Yoohwan stumbled on a loose rock, and Yoochun took advantage, beating his brother by only a few lengths.

"Damn it," he muttered.

They kicked off their boots in the utility room, and hung up their hats. Their parents already sat in the living room, watching the news.

"Yoohwan is mucking in the morning!" Yoochun called out.

"You both are," their father said. "I have to go into town and get a new belt for the tractor. It's whining."

Yoochun swore under his breath. But at least they'd have a break from haying in the morning.

The brothers filled up plates of chicken and potatoes, left warm on the stove. Yoochun finished first and started on the dishes. Yoohwan rinsed and dried them as soon as he was done.

"I call shower first!" Yoohwan said.

Yoochun nodded. "Don't be too long."

"I won't."

Yoochun headed for the side door, wanting the peacefulness of the country at night.

"Oh, Yoochun," his mom said. "I almost forgot. The Kim boy is visiting his parents."

"Huh?"

"Your friend from school. The one that ran off."

"Jaejoong?" Yoochun said, voice cracking in disbelief.

"Yeah."

Yoochun changed directions, running to the utility room. He shoved his feet into his boots.

"Its after nine!" his mom protested.

Yoochun slammed the door on her last word. He jumped into his pickup, turned it on, popped the clutch and tore out of their drive, tossing gravel behind him. He turned on his lights only to keep from hitting any stray deer. He could drive to the Kims blindfolded. He turned down their road, taking the corners too fast but not caring.

Jaejoong was back. Jaejoong, who he hadn't seen and barely talked to for three years, was back.

All the lights at the Kim house were on, and he could see them moving inside. His lights illuminated a bright red car as he turned into their drive and skid to a stop. He killed the engine. Shaking, he climbed out of the car. It was a nice car, a Mustang, and Yoochun’s fingers itched to get under the hood.

A figure stood at the darkened end of the porch. He lifted a burning ember to his lips.

Yoochun's boots crunched on the gravel and then thudded on the wooden steps. He was barely breathing, barely daring to hope. The figure exhaled, the cloud of smoke visible in the dark. Yoochun waited until he was next to the man, next to him and able to see those big eyes.

"Jaejoong?" it was more a question because with the other in front of him, Yoochun wanted to be sure.

"Hey," he whispered.

"Jaejoong," this one a rush of breath, an exhale of his name, and Yoochun hugged him tightly, gasping, arms around his neck.

A tentative arm wrapped around him.

Jaejoong pushed him away. "You fucking stink."

Yoochun grinned. "I've been loading hay all day."

"Quite a welcome. Coming over all smelly."

Yoochun scoffed. "Sorry. Best friend I haven't seen for three years is in town. I was excited."

"You could have showered first."

He took another drag on the cigarette and then offered it to Yoochun. He hadn't had a cigarette for over a year. But he took it and sucked in a lung full of smoke. He let it out slowly.

"Only back a few hours and already corrupting the locals."

They both turned to the girl’s voice. One of Jaejoong's sisters.

"Hello, Soonmin," Yoochun said.

"Hi, Yoochun. I'm surprised you weren't here when Jae showed up."

"I didn't know he was coming."

"No one did."

"What's the occasion?" Yoochun asked Jaejoong.

"Reconnecting with the roots."

Yoochun scoffed again. It may have been three years but Yoochun could still tell when Jaejoong was evading something. He tossed the cigarette away. Yoochun sighed in annoyance and walked down to it and snuffed it out with his foot.

"Walk with me," Jae said and grabbed Yoochun's arm. Jae walked faster than him, and as he passed through the light, Yoochun caught sight of his clothes. Sleek black pants, the bottoms scuffed with dust already. His shirt was bright green, tucked in. He was wearing fashionable boots with a heel.

Yoochun caught up with him. Before, he'd have no problem throwing his arm around jaejoong's shoulders, but now he was nervous. "So, what's a city boy like you doing in a place like this?"

Jaejoong laughed. "It took you ten minutes to hit on me. You feeling okay?"

Yoochun laughed with him. And just like that the tension was gone. He slung an arm over Jae's shoulders.

"I've missed you." Jae leaned on his shoulder.

"Missed you, too."

"Is this the part where I ask what's really wrong, or the part where we walk under the stars until you start talking?"

Jae didn't reply.

They walked in silence, past the Kims stables. Up the road, past the tree where they'd smoked their first joint. Past the series of gullies they used to ride dirt bikes over. Around the fields. Yoochun wasn't sure how long they walked. They shared a cigarette.

Jae stopped. He ducked out from under Yoochun's arm. He put his elbows on the wooden fence of the pig sty. "God, this place stinks."

"Pigs will do that."

He turned around, still leaning on his elbows. The moon had risen while they walked. It made the angles of his face sharp. Handsome.

"This whole place stinks. You smell like a vase of flowers compared to the rest of it."

"That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

Jae laughed, his hand coming up to cover his mouth. This gesture more than any other made Yoochun's throat close, and he stepped a bit closer.

"You try to steal a kiss next to this pig sty and I'm going to slap you."

Yoochun laughed. "Where can I steal a kiss?"

"How about we skip that and go up to the hay loft?"

"No. I am definitely showering before we do that," Yoochun said as his cock stirred.

Jae stalked over to him. He grabbed fistfulls of Yoochun's shirt. "What if I don't want to wait that long?"

And Jae pressed their lips together, hard insistent. Yoochun put his arms around him, shaking. He pulled back only far enough to readjust, and then kissed him again, lips open. Jae moaned, his tongue sliding on Yoochun's lower lip. Their tongues touched. After a moment, Yoochun pulled away and pressed their foreheads together.

"Why do you do this to me?"

"Do what? Turn you on, drive you crazy, piss you off-"

"Make me love you."

Jaejoong grinned. "Because I’m irrisistable."

Yoochun nodded. “Even after three years.”

They kissed again, and then Yoochun sighed. "I hate to spoil this moment-"

"No, you don't."

Yoochun glared but kept talking. "Why are you here?"

Jae ran his hands on Yoochun's chest. "You've bulked up," he whispered.

Yoochun took his hands. His soft, pampered hands. They were pale against his rugged, dirty ones with dirt and grease caked under them, nails broken. All of Jae's nails were even, and they sparkled in the moonlight.

Yoochun brought up one hand and kissed the palm. "You've gotten prettier."

Jae chuckled. He snatched a hand free and smacked his shoulder. "Don't call me pretty."

"You keep changing the subject."

Jae sighed. "I-i ... god damn it."

Yoochun touched his cheek softly.

Jae leaned into it. "I'm only here for two days. I-i ... I'm going to Paris."

Yoochun swallowed. "For how long?"

"I'm not coming back."

Silence.

"I've been offered a five year contract to model for a French designer. My plane leaves on Thursday."

Yoochun couldn't breathe. He backed away from Jaejoong and turned his back. He'd let Jae go 'find himself' three years ago always knowing he'd be back when he realized that the city held nothing for him. Nothing. But it had held something for someone with Jae's looks. He remembered the phone call four months after he'd left, the excited voice saying he had a modeling gig. Arms wrapped around him from behind.

"Come with me."

Yoochun laughed.

"You know I can't."

"Why? Duty, obligation-"

Yoochun pried his arms away. "I don't want to."

"But, Chunnie-"

"No, Jae. We've fought over this before. I like this life. I like it."

Jae gestured around him. "There's nothing here. How can you like being here?"

Yoochun sighed. "I am not explaining this to you again."

"I know. I was going to leave. Without saying goodbye. I-I'm glad I came."

"Well, that makes one of us." Yoochun started walking away.

"Chunnie-"

"You said you'd come back."

"People change."

"I haven't."

"You could."

"I don't want to."

Jae fell in step with him. Nothing was said until Yoochun got to his truck. Jae put himself between him and the door. They held eye contact.

Yoochun touched his cheek again. "You're gorgeous, Jae. Go break some European hearts for awhile. Mine can't take it."

Jae shut his eyes. "I'm sorry, Chunnie. I can't stay here. I can't live here and muck stables and slaughter pigs and castrate horses."  
"I know." Yoochun leaned in for a kiss, but shot a look at the house. It wasn't worth the risk.

“Somewhere, everywhere I'll always love you."

Jae moved and Yoochun climbed in his truck. Before he'd pulled away, Jae had turned his back to go inside. Yoochun drove home, breathing deeply. The house was dark, save for the porch light. He went to the bed of his truck and lay down, staring at the stars.

Comparatively speaking, it didn't hurt nearly as much as it should have. At nineteen, Yoochun still thought Jae was coming back. At twenty, Jae was a dream at night. Earlier today, Jae had been a passing thought.

"Chun?"

"Hey, Hwannie."

"How's Jaejoong?"

"He's going to Paris."

"Wow."

Yoohwan climbed into the bed and lay with him. He was the only one who knew about Yoochun and Jaejoong. He'd walked in on them once.

"What are doing awake?" Yoochun asked.

"Katie called."

"Ah. And?"

"I told her about going away for school, and then spent two hours convincing her I wasn't serious. That I'd never leave here."

"Don't hang on to something that isn't ever going to happen."

Yoohwan scoffed.

"Like you?"

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

"Surprisingly, yes."

After a second of silence, Yoowhan said, "He still suck cock like he used to?"  
Yoochun laughed. "Don't know. We didn't get that far."

"He breaks your heart and doesn't make you feel better afterward? Now that is low."

Yoochun slugged his shoulder. "Come on. Let's go to bed."


	2. Not Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't ever go home again. Ever.

The day passed like all the rest. Muck the stables, milk the cows, change the water, put the horses through their paces while their dad was in town, and then load hay, eat lunch. Load more hay.

Thunderclouds had gathered through the day, randomly throwing raindrops on them. They covered the stacked bales of hay with a bright, blue tarp. It was rare when they had the baled hay stacked and did not have a new field of cut hay to bale before it rained. It was nice to know they wouldn't lose a day waiting for cut hay to dry.

The only difference on this day compared to the rest was that Yoochun thought about Jaejoong. Who he used to be. Who he was now, and Yoochun realized that he had no idea who Jaejoong was. He was the same, but Jaejoong was completely different.

When they entered the house for dinner, their mom said, "Yoohwan, what is this I hear about you applying to California schools?"

"Fuck," Yoohwan muttered so only Yoochun could hear.

"Well?" she stood with hands on hips.

Yoohwan looked at Yoochun.

Yoochun raised his hands. "This is your show, bro."

"And you," she said turning to Yoochun. "Jaejoong has called seven times. Seven. Whatever he said to piss you off I'm sure he didn't mean. And he said that he had to see you and that you knew where he'd be."

Yoochun turned away.

"I can't believe you're abandoning me," Yoohwan said.

Yoochun went to their mom. He held her shoulders."Yoohwan wants to go to college in California. He doesn't want to be a farmer like me. He wants to major in biology and study marine biology. He's bigger than this town, Mom. Let him follow his dreams."

"But he's my baby."

"He's nineteen. He needs to go."

She nodded.

Yoochun kissed her cheek. He walked away, slapping Yoohwan's shoulder as he went by. "There you go."

He went up the stairs, undressed, showered. All in a daze. He stood in the middle of his room wrapped only in a towel staring at nothing.

Thunder rumbled outside.

He had no desire to see Jaejoong again. And yet he knew he would go. They had been friends for twenty one years. He wore his nice jeans, a tank top. A plaid cotton button down.

His mom surveyed him after he'd gone downstairs to put his boots on. "Mrs. Kim says Jaejoong is going to Paris."

Yoochun nodded.

"And you're going to let him?"

He looked up quickly.

"When are you two boys going to learn there is very little you can hide from me?"

Yoochun smiled and then looked down.

"He will stay if you ask him."

"And I'd hate myself for it. He wants Paris. I want this."

She nodded. "Get going. He'll be waiting for you."

Yoochun grabbed a jean jacket and left the house and walked across the fields. He could have driven, but he needed the time to think. The sun was setting, throwing red and orange through the gaps in the storm clouds.

There was a patch of land, a deep gully, that separated their families’ farms. Near the gulch was an abandoned barn surrounded by wooden, decayed fencing. Yoochun hadn't even been out this far in two years. It was just grazing land for their cows and horses. It'd always been their place. Over the years, they'd added sturdier wood, stronger supports. It was never enough to actually use the building again, but it worked for two teenage boys who needed a place to smoke weed, drink beer and experiment with each other.

The first kiss was at fifteen.

Everything escalated from there.

Jaejoong always said he was going to get out of this place, laying naked with his head on Yoochun's chest. Yoochun sometimes agreed to his plans of escape, but they never went through.

And then one day Jae was gone. A friend of a friend had a place for him to stay, and Yoochun could say that Jae had never looked back.

Until now.

The old barn came into view. Jaejoong was leaning against it, smoking a cigarette. They stared at each other.

Rain splattered on the wood, fat drops darkening the light wood.

Jae was wearing jeans that probably cost more than Yoochun's entire outfit, and a blue t-shirt with a random splotch of green plaid on one shoulder. He hadn't seen last night, but in those jeans and that t-shirt, Jae's muscles were on proud display.

"You've bulked up," Yoochun said.

Jae flexed his right arm. "These babies pay the bills."

Yoochun smiled. "I'm sure your pretty face has something to do with it."

If he'd been closer, Jae would have hit him. "Don't call me pretty," he muttered and turned around. "Are you coming in?"

Yoochun followed him into the barn and up the wooden ladder to the loft. The beams creaked. There was a pile of fresh hay. A blue blanket was spread over it.

"You ..."

"It was all moldy and nasty," Jae said. "I ain't laying in that."

"Presumptuous."

A single, perfectly groomed eyebrow arched. "What are you here for?"

"To say good bye." _not see you later_

Jae threw himself on the blanket. "God, I shouldn't have come back."

"Probably not."

"You're not happy to see me?"

Yoochun shrugged. He sat on the wooden flanks. His fingers traced the words they had carved over the years.

The rain suddenly increased, pattering above them. Shadows were thrown around as lightning flashed. The clap of thunder was loud.

And Yoochun realized he was different than he had been three years ago. Somehow, being away from Jaejoong made him different. He was less rebellious, less spontaneous, less likely to see if he could walk across the decaying support beams just to see if they’d hold his weight.

Jae had yet to find his dreams, and Yoochun lived his everyday.

"So what now?" Jae whispered.

"I feel like you're waiting for me to ask you to stay."

"And?"

"You're miserable here, Joongie. You don't belong here."

"If you thought I'd stay, would you ask me?"

That was a difficult question to answer, so Yoochun didn't.

Jaejoong took a deep breath. "Will you at least act like you'll miss me?"

Yoochun chuckled. "I've missed you every day. I'm used to it. And you're not really here, so it's no different than two days ago."

Jae sat up. "What do you mean I'm not really here?"

"Your mind is already in Paris."

"And yours is thinking about how much this rain will help your hay."

Yoochun shrugged. "I'm a farmer, Jae."

"I need you to hold me."

"Why? And don't tell me you're scared. It may have been three years but I still know you."

"Then I'm selfish and I want you to hold me. I haven’t felt your body next to mine for three years. I want it."

Yoochun stared at him, looked down and then shook his head. He held his arm out.

"Don't give me a fucking pity cuddle, you asshole." Jae flung himself back to the blanket.

The storm was getting worse, wind increasing, lightning more frequent. One night they'd fallen asleep and woken up soaked. The next week they'd repaired the roof, at least the part over their makeshift bedroom.

Yoochun sighed again. He crawled over to the hay pile and lay next to Jaejoong. Jae grunted and rolled on his side. Yoochun followed him, propping up on an elbow. There was a good six inches between them. Jae's t-shirt had ridden up, revealing a strip of pale skin. Yoochun reached over and trailed fingers along it. The calluses on his hands were a stark contrast to the softness of Jae’s body.

Jae suppressed a shiver. "I thought you weren't going to do this."

"What else is there between us, Jae?"

Jae rolled over, eyes flashing in anger. "Did you just throw twenty years of life long friendship into a single night of fucking? Fuck you."

Jae tried to get up. Yoochun held his arm. Jae struggled, hay crunching underneath them. Jae was strong, but Yoochun made a habit of wrestling calves to the ground for branding. He had Jae pinned under him quickly.

"Don't make me hogtie you," Yoochun whispered.

Jae's mouth twisted. "You going to rape me then?"

"Don't be stupid. I love you, Jae. I always have and I always will, but there's three years between us. Three years of separation, and sometimes, if it's strong enough, love can make three years disappear, but it hasn't with us. In five more years, you'll be little more than my childhood friend, my first lover. We'll call. You'll come visit, and each time we'll be a little bit farther apart."

"Shut up. Stop it, and shut up." Jae's breath hitched.

"You know it's the truth."

"And you're saying it like it doesn't matter, like I don't matter, like nothing between us matters."

Yoochun smiled and moved hair off Jae's forehead. And then he kissed the flawless skin. Jae's arms went around him, fingers clutching at the back of Yoochun's shirt. He buried his face in Yoochun's shoulder, body shaking. Yoochun rolled over a tiny bit so he could wrap his arms around Jae. He held him tightly, tears dripping silently on his cheeks. The storm had settled to rain and wind. Thunder rumbled in the distance.

"I love you, Chunnie. You're the only reason I'm here." He leaned away.

Yoochun didn't hesitate to kiss him.

"I love you, I love you, I love you."

"Sh, Jae, I know you do."

"You're acting like you thought I didn't."

"I know you do. And I love you. Forever. No matter where you are. But-"

"No. No buts. Not right now, please. Just you love me, I love you. That's it. Right now, that's it."

"Okay." And Yoochun loved him, deepening their kiss, rolling them back over, Jae underneath him.

"Please, Chunnie. Say goodbye, long hard and hot enough that I'll never forget you."

Their lips melted, their mouths as one. They'd still been teenagers the last time their bodies had reacted to each other, and now they were men, harder hotter, more defined. More apt to know what they wanted.

Yoochun had been with one girl in the last three years, but he could tell that Jae had shared his body with more than one man or woman. But now, it was about them, re-exploring, re-discovering the way they fit together.

Yoochun moved his mouth to Jae's ear, lips ghosting down the edge, tongue licking the lobe. Jae's breath hitched again as Yoochun kissed his neck. His hands gripped the hem of the t-shirt. He pulled away, kneeling with legs straddling Jae's thighs. Jae sat up, and lifted his arms. Yoochun pulled the shirt over his head.

Jae tried to unbutton Yoochun's shirt as Yoochun ran calloused hands over Jae's shoulders. Jae tittered in annoyance and smacked Yoochun's hands. Grinning, he dropped his hands to his knees, watching Jae's face. He could tell that Jae was trying not to think too much. A pink tongue swiped along Jae's lower lip. Yoochun fought the urge to kiss him. Jae's hand slid up his chest to his shoulders and then down his arms, removing the plaid shirt. They roved over muscles, memorizing dips and curves in his arms and shoulders. Incredibly soft skin trailed up his neck, and then fingers tangled in his hair.

Jae pressed their mouths back together. Yoochun wrapped his arms around Jae's body, fingers digging into the muscles, pulling a needy moan from Jae's throat.

Wind shook the barn, a few rain drops blew in from between the old siding, landing cold on their skin. Lightning flashed and thunder clapped above them, around them and they both jumped, but didn't break apart.

Yoochun took off his tank top. Jae unbuckled his belt, and fought with the button on his jeans before it finally gave. The sound of the zipper lowering seemed louder than the storm. Jae touched his stomach and torso, moving along the muscles. A steady whimper escaped his throat with each new spot.

"God, Yoochun." He tried to push Yoochun's jeans down, whimpering when they barely moved. His hand gripped Yoochun's hip bones.

"I can say the same of you," Yoochun whispered, his rough fingers splayed over Jae's perfect abs.

They kissed again. Yoochun nudged Jae's body and he laid them back down. Jae finally pushed Yoochun's pants down enough to grab his bare ass.

"Hang on," Yoochun said, with a shiver. "I have to take my boots off." He rolled away and sat up. He pulled his boots and socks off, and then stood up to finish undressing.

"I told everyone about you," Jae said. "All my friends. And this one girl always loved to tease me about saving the horse and riding the cowboy."

Yoochun smiled. "Old joke." "I know, but I like riding you more than I like riding horses." Yoochun slipped out of his boxers.

"God, Yoochun."

It was dark, black, with light coming from flashes of lightning, but it was enough for Jae to see his body. Yoochun climbed back on the blanket. He kissed Jae's stomach, biting up tight muscles and quivering skin. Their lips met again. Yoochun unbuttoned Jae's jeans. He kicked off his designer sneakers. He lifted his hips. Yoochun peeled the jeans off, and sat back to stare at Jae's body. He traced a finger along the top of black boxerbriefs, contrasting in the dark next to pale skin. And then he took them off.

Their bodies were so different. Jae had broad shoulders, muscled chest, slimming down to a tiny waist. Yoochun was straighter, less contrived, muscles no less apparent but less manufactured. Less perfect. Jae's skin was pale and even, no tan line at his waist. No smatterings of sun-freckles on his shoulders. No hair on his chest or stomach or around his cock. And one of Jae's nipples was pierced.

Yoochun flicked it lightly.

Jae hissed in pleasure.

"When did this happen?"

Jaejoong shrugged. "A couple years ago."

"I like it."

Jae sat up and twisted a bit. "What about this?"

Yoochun couldn't see the details of the black ink on Jae's shoulders, but he trailed his fingers around the loops. “Looks painful.”

"Yeah. What about you?" Jae asked. "Anything new on you?"

Yoochun laughed. He took Jae's hand and placed it on his hip.

Jae's fingers traced the scar. Along the left line, and then the bottom, around the “K” and around the other side. “What the? How did you get branded?”

"Last spring, I was helping your dad and brothers new calves and this one was a little shit and was fighting and just before Junsu branded him, the calf twisted and the brand caught me instead."

Jaejoong laughed. "Oh my god, that must have hurt."

"Yeah."

Jae slid his hand further along Yoochun's back, lips pressed against his shoulder. "I wish I'd been there."

"To kiss it better?"

"No. To laugh at you in person."

Yoochun laughed, twisted around and pinned Jaejoong back underneath him. They kissed for long minutes. And then Yoochun moved to Jae's body. He explored every inch of it, first with hands and then with lips and teeth. He spent a lot of time playing with the piercing. Jae whimpered underneath him.

"You are so beautiful," Yoochun whispered, lips against the bend at Jae's hip.

"I know."

Yoochun laughed. He stared at Jae's cock for only a moment and then kissed Jae's thighs. His hand gripped Jae's hips, fingers curling to touch his ass.

"Kiss me, Yoochun, please, come and kiss me."

Yoochun slid up Jae's body. He pecked Jae's lips. "Anything else, city boy?"

"Fuck off. That wasn’t a kiss."

Yoochun trailed a finger down Jae's body. He swirled it around the skin just above Jae's cock. Jae's hips arched. He ran the finger down Jae's cock.

"Fuck, Yoochun, stroke me, please."

“Full of demands tonight,” he said and wrapped his hand around the soft skin of Jae's hard cock. He stroked up.

Jae threw his head back with a cry. "God, your hand feels good. Rough and, and, and-"

"And?"

"Perfect."

Yoochun smiled and kissed Jae's lips. "Those city boys are never going to be enough for you."

"I know. God, don't I know it."

Yoochun kept his strokes slow, letting Jae really feel his hand on every part of him. Yet their kiss was quick, needy, messy.

"Yoochun, god, let me suck on you. Please."

Yoochun shivered. It'd been three years since he last had a blow job. But Jae didn't need to know that. With a final twist of his hand, Yoochun rolled away, plopping down next to Jae. Jae gasped for a moment. And then he rolled to his side.

They listened to the rain, catching glimpses of small smiles when the lightning flickered. Jae ran a manicured nail up and down Yoochun's chest and stomach, swirling the pad of his finger on Yoochun's nipples.

"Fuck."

"Still like that?"

"I still like it when _you_ do that."

Jae smiled. He leaned down and grasped one nipple in his teeth. Yoochun arched up with a cry as Jae sucked it into his mouth. He was less patient than Yoochun had been, leaving the nipples quickly, biting down his stomach. His fingers played in the hair next to his cock while his tongue swirled around the tip of Yoochun's cock, and it pulsed out a stream of precome.

"Eager?"

"Yes, and it's been awhile."

"Ah. Then I'll enjoy my late night snack."

Yoochun opened his mouth to reply but it was lost in a scream as Jae engulfed his cock. "Fuck, Jae!" he shouted as Jae took it all.

A few swallows later and a bit of pressure from Jae's thumb right at the base, and Yoochun was coming, moaning, as everything went darker, blacker than it already was. His breath echoed through the barn, overwhelming the pattering of rain.

Jae kissed up his body. He stopped at the spot right above his heart. He licked the skin before sucking it into his mouth. He bit down, sucking, gnawing, abusing. Yoochun’s hands wrapped in Jae's hair, not to pull away but to urge him on, press him closer. Jae finally pulled away.

Even in the dark they could both see the mark.

"There." Jae said and his voice broke. "Mine. My heart. At least until it fades."

Yoochun sat up and hugged him. Jae was shaking again. "It won't fade, Jae. Not where it matters."

Jae cried again.

The air temperature had dropped. Yoochun grabbed the edges of the blankets and wrapped it around them.

"I don't miss it," Jae whispered. "I don't miss the work or the dirt or the smell or the animal shit. I miss my family and I miss you and I miss right here and us like this."

"I'd miss the work and the dirt and the smell-"

"I know." They were quiet again. The storm had moved on, leaving only a light rain.

"Come with me," Jae whispered against Yoochun’s skin. "Please, god, come with me."

Yoochun said nothing. He lifted Jae's face and kissed him softly, an apology. A million things.


	3. Kiss Goodbye

After a moment, Jae pulled away with a sigh. He pushed up, Yoochun loosened his hold. Jae straddled his lap, shifting until Yoochun's soft cock was nestled between his ass. He rocked back and forth, head back eyes shut. They both moaned.

Yoochun ran his hands down Jae's body, settling on his hips.

"Want me to ride you, cowboy?" Jae asked, a pompous smirk on his lips.

"I don't think a city boy like you knows how to put me through my paces."

Jae laughed. He ground his hips down. "Where's your bridle? That kind of attitude needs to be controlled with a strong bit."

Yoochun shook his head. He sat up, jerking his hips, pushing his now hard cock against Jae's body. "Arrogance, is that all you city boys have? If you think you can break me in, tame me, then stop talking."

Jae groaned, rocking faster.

"You gonna ride me bareback?"

"If you want it that way," he said, breathless.

"Do we have a choice?"

"I was being presumptuous, remember?"

Yoochun laughed. He turned them and laid Jae on his back.

"In my pants pocket."

Yoochun grabbed his jeans and fished in the pocket. A bottle of lube he was expecting. But not the condoms. They had never used condoms.

"Condoms?" Yoochun said it as a question.

Jae shrugged. "I thought you'd--"

Yoochun waited for him to finish. "That I'd what?"

"I don't know. I ..."

Yoochun sighed and crawled back to him, hovering over him. "I'm not stupid or naive, Jaejoong. It's been three years. I know you haven't been saving yourself for me or anything."

Jae frowned. "But you have. For me."

Yoochun shrugged. "Not really. I just haven't been looking and I don't go out. When I do, I get offers from women, but it's not enough for me. If you count a frantic hand job with Jung Yunho behind his barn, and a quick three week fling with BillieAnn Sawyer, then I haven't had anything since you."

Jae looked away, biting his lower lip.

"Don't you dare feel guilty for your life, Jae."

"I can't even count the number, Yoochun. How am I not supposed to feel guilty?"

Yoochun kissed him. "Are you clean?"

Jae nodded. "I had to be tested and have a check up before going to France."

"Okay. And I trust you, do you trust me?"

"Of course."

"Then I vote no condom."

Jae smiled. And then frowned. "Wait. You stroked one off with Jung Yunho?"

Yoochun nodded.

Jae laughed. "Aw, fuck. That's hilarious."

"Now he spends most of his time convincing me he's straight. It's really funny."

"God, this town."

"You want the updates on everyone now, or can I fuck you?"

Jae laughed. "Already got the updates from my sisters, so you're clear for fucking."

"Good."

Yoochun slammed their lips together. Jae's hands rose and wrapped around his shoulders as Yoochun sucked down his neck and licked his collar bone. Jae moaned, quiet, breathy. Yoochun moved to Jae's chest, licking his muscle right above his heart. He bit down, and then sucked, marking him, just as Jae had done. He broke away, looked at it, and then met Jae's eyes. Jae smiled, and Yoochun swallowed past a lump in his throat.

The rain had stopped, passed without them knowing. Moonlight streamed through the old slats, painting their bodies with stripes. Yoochun kissed along the illuminated skin. Down his sides, remembering and finding the spots on his ribs that when licked, Jae let out a breath of laughter. He ran his hand over Jae's thighs and Jae spread them. Yoochun licked up his cock once and then down, rolling his balls around his mouth. Jae cried out, hands fisted in the blanket. His knees bent, giving Yoochun's tongue access to his ass. He licked up him once, and then bit the inside of Jae's thighs. He took Jae's cock in his hand and stroked him slowly.

"I love you, Jae."

Jae smiled. "I love you."

Jae lifted his knees, holding them with his hand. Yoochun licked his lips, and then bent down to the offered treat. He licked Jae's hole, sliding, teasing, pressing. Jae whimpered. Yoochun touched a finger to his hole, pressing slowly, licking around it.

"God, Yoochun, I'm not a virgin. Fuck me with your fingers."

Yoochun bit him, hard. Right at the juncture where his cock met his body. Jae cried out and thrashed, but Yoochun didn't stop until there was a deep purple mark.

"There," he said. "Now this is mine until it fades."

Jae smiled. "Sentimental bastard. Fuck me."

Yoochun pushed two fingers inside of him, forcing them through the dry channel. Jae keened in utter bliss. Yoochun pulled them out and in, adding his tongue, twisting and spreading his fingers.

"God, enough, please, Chunnie. Enough."

Yoochun kept his fingers buried deep and kissed up Jae's body to his lips. He bit down on the lower one.

"You want to try to ride me now?"

"Oh god yes."

"Then come on, city boy. Show me what you got."

Yoochun rolled away. Jae moaned, scrambling with him. He straddled Yoochun's lap. With one hand stroking Yoochun's cock, Jae grabbed the bottle of lube. He tipped it over, squeezing and coated Yoochun's erection with it. He tossed the bottle away. It landed somewhere with a thunk, rolled and then thunked again and again as it fell to the lower level.

“Oops.”

"I'll find it later," Yoochun said.

Jae shifted forward, and held Yoochun’s cock against his hole. He sat, only a tiny bit, and they both moaned. Yoochun flung his head back as Jae lifted himself up, and then pushed back down.

Jae wasn't tight, at least not as tight as Yoochun remembered, but the sensation was so foreign, the grip so sensual, that he gasped out an apology and then came again.

Jae chuckled, but didn't pull up, the extra fluid lubricating from the inside. He sat, eyes shutting, as Yoochun pressed into him completely.

"God, Yoochun, you feel good.”

"So do you."

"So I noticed. I told you I could handle riding you."

Yoochun turned his head away, cheeks going red. Jae laughed and then leaned down to kiss him. He moved his hips, little jerks, and moaned into Yoochun's mouth. He gave Yoochun no chance to calm down, riding his still-hard cock fast, slamming his hips down. He pushed up, hands flat against Yoochun's chest.

"Fuck, Yoochun!"

Yoochun grabbed Jae's hips, trying to jerk up while he pushed down. It didn't take long for yet another orgasm to coil through him, but this time, he didn't want to go before Jaejoong. He wrapped his calloused hand around Jae’s cock. He stroked hard, in time with Jae's downward thrusts.

"Oh, shit," Jae gasped.

His body jerked and he lost his balance, falling over Yoochun. Their lips brushed but only their breaths joined.

"Come, Jae. I want to feel your come on my body."

"Fuck," Jae grunted and sped up, trying to thrust into Yoochun's hand and fuck his cock.

They kissed, tongues wrapping around each other.

Jae's breathing staggered, his body shook. Warmth spilled in Yoochun's hand and on his stomach. Yoochun moaned. Jae gasped and slowed, finally stopping. His elbows collapsed.

Yoochun rolled them over. Jae's legs wrapped around his body. Yoochun thrust slowly. They kissed again and again, soft, lips on lips. Noises fell to quiet moans and whimpers. Neither rushing, moving as one. Together, and it felt like it was forever.

Yoochun could not take his eyes off of Jaejoong's perfection. His cheeks and eyes and nose and eyelashes as they fluttered, twitching, tongue darting out to lick reddened lips.

"You're so beautiful, Jae."

"You said that already."

“I know."

Yoochun kissed his closed eyes.

Their orgasms were slow, building and twisting, slipping as skin brushed, as breathing jerked. Yoochun came first, his head bowed, lips whispering Jae's name into the skin at his shoulder. Jae whimpered when Yoochun faltered, he rocked his hips and stroked his own cock. Yoochun thrust again, weak, but enough that Jae cried out, head back, as he came, body shaking more from the tears streaming down his face than the orgasm.

Yoochun kissed the tears away, whispering _I love you’s_.

"Chunnie?"

"Huh?"

"Burn this place down."

Yoochun pulled away, glaring. “What?”

"I ... I can't handle it, knowing that its still here, that we're still here. Promise me, you'll torch it."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"I just can’t. And that’s really selfish of you," Yoochun said, "leaving me to destroy it, so you don't have to watch as flames lick at our lives. I won't do it."

They shivered as cool air blew on their hot, sweaty skin. Yoochun covered them with the blanket again. Jae curled into his side, head at Yoochun’s chest, and everything felt normal, right, perfect. For a moment, they hadn’t been separated for three years, and there was no threat of never being together again.

"Can we slow down time for just tonight?" Jae whispered.

"Probably not."

"I think everyone should a have a chance to do that once in their lives. For one brief moment."

"What if this isn't our moment?" Yoochun asked.

"What do you mean?"

"What if the moment we're supposed to extend isn't this one? What if it hasn't happened yet, what if it already happened and we missed it?"

"What are you being so melancholy for?"

"You started it."

Jae sat up, shivering, his back to Yoochun. The moonlight shone on Jae's tattooed shoulders. Yoochun traced his fingers over the lettering.

"Hope to the end," Yoochun whispered. "I like it."

"Is this the end? Our end? Do I hope that-"

"Stop it, Jae. Now."

"Sorry."

Yoochun sat up. He kissed the individual letters of each word and then licked around the lines of the tattoo. A few more hours. That's all they had, but Yoochun knew that's all his heart could handle.

|_K_|

Yoochun's internal clock woke him up before dawn. Jae was still asleep, head on Yoochun's shoulder. He watched him sleep for a moment, arms behind his head, and then carded his hands through his hair. Jae moaned and pressed deeper into Yoochun's muscle.

"Come on, Jae. I have chores to get to."

Jae stirred and cursed.

Yoochun climbed out from under him and started getting dressed.

"I definitely don't miss the early hours."

Yoochun laughed. "I'll sleep in when I'm dead."

Jae yawned and sat up. Yoochun stared at his sleepy eyes and ruffled hair, and the love, pressure around his heart, was enough to make him stop breathing for a moment.

And then Jae winced. "I need a shower." He stood up, stretched.

They dressed in silence. Yoochun waited until touching skin was less of a temptation, and then he hugged Jae tightly.

"I will miss you," Yoochun said.

"Me, too."

“I love you.”

“I love you.” They kissed long and deep before pulling away.

Yoochun led the way down the ladder and out the door. It was raining again. Light for now.

"Fuck," Jae said under his breath.

Yoouchun looked back. Jae was on the threshold of the barn holding up a foot. There was mud covering his foot.

"Damn shoes were a hundred dollars."

Yoochun shook his head. "Shoulda worn boots, city boy."

Jae flipped him off.

Yoochun went back inside the barn. He took off his boots. "There. Wear those. Give me your shoes."

"Chunnie."

"They're ruined anyway, right? Wear the boots to keep the mud off those incredibly expensive jeans."

Jae sighed. "Fine."

He toed off his shoes and put Yoochun's boots on, shoving the jeans into the tops of the boots.

They both glanced up quickly when rain pounded on the barn.

Jae swore again.

Yoochun took off his jacket. "Here. My house is closer. I'll make a run for it."

Jae smiled. "You're too good to me."

Yoochun toyed with the string on his hat. Hasty decision made, he sat it on Jaejoong's head. "There. Now you should stay dry."

"I'll have Junsu or Junho bring them back-"

Yoochun waved it away. "I'll pick them up soon. Your dad said he would need help breaking in a horse later this week, so I'll be there."

Jae nodded.

They stared at each other again.

Yoochun's throat closed. He swallowed. "You almost look like a proper cowboy now."

Jae made a face. "And now I hate you."

Yoochun laughed, covered the distance between them and held him tightly. He didn’t want to let go, and based on the death grip Jae had on his shirt, neither did he. Yoochun took Jae's hand and pressed it against his own chest. Tears finally fell. Jae gasped, tears slipping down his cheeks. He said nothing, but set Yoochun's palm on his own chest.

"I don't want to say anything else that will sound cliché and stupid, so let’s just go, okay?"

Jae smiled. "Okay. I love you."

“I love you.”

They left the barn, pressed their lips together briefly as rain pelted down on them. And then Jae broke away, and they headed in opposite directions.

Yoochun ran and didn't look back.


	4. Old Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten years later ...

**TEN YEARS LATER**

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"Who's Jaejoong?"

Yoochun almost spit out the water in his mouth.

"How do- where-"

"Minji and I were playing by an old building and we went inside and saw his name carved in the wood next to yours."

Yoochun took a deep breath. "Jaejoong is Minji's uncle. We were best friends when we were younger."

"Oh, is he the uncle that lives in Europe?"

"Yeah. That one."

"Cool. I want to live in Europe."

"Then you'll live in Europe."

"Don't fill her head with unattainable expectations," Crissy said while trying to clean up spaghetti from their three-year-old son's face.

"She can if she wants. I won't stop her."

Yoochun left the table. He went to the porch and stared over the hay fields in the direction of the Kims. He hadn't thought of Jaejoong for a long time. He put a hand to his chest. The mark had faded, but Jae had broken the skin. Yoochun picked at it until it was a scar. Even that had faded, but with fingers on his skin, he could find the imperfect nub. He wondered briefly what it would be like to see Jaejoong again, then shook the thought away, and went to feed his horses.

He lost himself in farm work, things he’d been putting off. Anything to keep from thinking.

Yoochun went to bed late, sliding into bed next to his wife of eight years. He loved Crissy more than he should, and knew he didn't deserve her. He definitely didn't deserve their two children.

She shifted and pressed cold skin to his in her sleep. He rolled to his side and draped an arm around her. He knew she wasn't completely happy. She wanted to give their children a better opportunity than she had. And to her, that meant they had to move to a city.

Yoochun wasn't sure he could do that.

He didn't sleep, but lay until the sky started turning gray. He slipped out of bed just as quietly as he climbed in. He dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. The smell of coffee filled the house. He poured some into his mug and then left the house.

He saddled up Baby (short for Rixie's Baby) and rode to the water lines. The sun rose over the east hills as the metal wheels moved the line down the alfalfa field.

His father had broken his leg five years ago, and had to sell off some property. Now, Yoochun only had 100 acres. He didn't mind. He had sixty for alfalfa, and the rest was still the grazing land that neighbored the Kims' property. He didn't have cows or chickens because Crissy wanted to shop at the store for groceries. He only had four horses.

The only thing keeping him on the land was that it was already paid for, and he sold enough alfalfa to make ends meet. And each spring, Baby and Tookee each had a foal that he could sell for a few hundred dollars.

Yoochun rode back to the stalls. He rubbed Baby down and fed his horses. He walked back to the house. He could see Crissy in the kitchen window, cooing at Jacob. That meant Hana was eating breakfast. It was Saturday, and Saturday was riding day. He entered the house and hung his hat on the worn hooks.

"Daddy!"

He bent and lifted Hana up into the air. Her braids swung around her face.

"How's my littlest cowgirl?"

"But Daddy, I'm a European now, remember?"

"Right. Compromise. European cowgirl?"

"Are there such things?"

Yoochun smiled. "Now there is."

"Daddy, you're so silly."

"Are you ready to go riding?"

She gasped and covered her mouth. "No." She struggled in his arms and he set her down. "Momma says I have to finish breakfast."

"Momma's right. Let’s eat."

Yoochun stopped at the sink to kiss Crissy's cheek and ruffle Jacob's hair. Crissy started talking about some of the families in town. Yoochun listened with half an ear.

"Momma! I'm done!"

"Don't shout," Yoochun said immediately.

"Sorry, Daddy."

"Hurry and go change," Crissy said, "so you can go riding."

"Yes, ma'am."

She scampered off. Yoochun watched with a smile.

"You didn't sleep last night," Crissy said with mild concern.

He shook his head. "I'm alright."

Crissy smiled and kissed his cheek. "I really want you to tear that old barn down. You and the Kim Twins just need to demolish it."

"Not happening."

"It wasn't sturdy when you were young, and now Hana and Minji are playing in it. What if they get hurt?"

"I know."

"What is it with you and that barn anyway? It's just a pile of old wood now."

Yoochun smiled. "What is it with you and that dog-eared bunny rabbit sitting on our dresser?"

Crissy sighed. "I know. Sorry. I'm just worried about my girl."

Yoochun held her close and kissed her. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything. I don't deserve you."

She smiled and then there was a thunk and Jacob was crying and Hana was pulling on his hand to go riding. He blew his wife a kiss as she consoled the toddler. Hana put on her boots just like Daddy's and plopped on a cowboy hat. Yoochun laughed as she bounded ahead of him to the stables. And then she quieted as soon as they entered.

"Why is it so big, Daddy, when we only have four horses?"

"Grandpa used to have twenty horses."

"Wow. That's a lot of manure."

Yoochun laughed. "Yes, it was."

He led Lightning from his stall and walked down to Baby's. He let Hana lead Baby to the tack room. He saddled both horses, a running commentary to teach Hana how to do it. And then he hoisted her up. The girl could ride well, and Baby was used to her instructions coming from Hana's shorter legs.

"Do they have rodeos in Europe, Daddy?"

"I'm sure they do."

"I wouldn't want to be a European cowgirl if there are no rodeos."

"I would say not."

"Maybe I can ask Uncle Junsu if they do. And he can ask Jinjoong."

"Jaejoong, sweetie."

"Jaejoong?"

"Yeah."

"Were you good friends, Daddy?"

"Best friends."

"Like me and Minji?"

"Yep."

"Wow. Do you still talk to him?"

"No."

"Why?"

Yoochun didn't answer. Jae had called him once. And Yoochun had told him he was getting married, and Jae never called again.

"Ooh, Daddy, look."

Down the gravel road, a car kicked up a cloud of dust. Sunlight sparkled on black paint, and he was tossed back, ten years ago, when it was the sight of red paint that brought his best friend home again.

His stomach dropped, and he swallowed.

"Ooh they're going to the Kims. Can we go see who it is, Daddy?"

He had a few things to talk to Junsu about, so he said, "Sure. Let's run a bit, yeah."

"Yes!"

Yoochun kicked Lightning into a run and heard Baby follow. They cut through a few fields and in less than ten minutes brought the horses to a walk up the Kim driveway. The black car stood out sharply in an area occupied with three pickup trucks. It was a BMW.

"They're on the porch, Daddy!"

"Hana, don't-"

"Shout, sorry."

Yoochun dismounted, and then lifted Hana off. He led the horses to the railing and cinched up their leads.

Hana took off and ran around to the back porch. "Uncle Junsu!"

"Sweetums! I've missed you!"

"Daddy says not to shout."

"Well, Daddy is always right."

Yoochun smiled. He walked around the corner of the house and stopped quickly. His vision went blurry and he put up a hand on a railing to steady himself.

"Daddy?"

He looked at Hana and back to Jaejoong sitting on a chair next to another man.

She did the same and then clawed at Yoochun's leg. He lifted her up and she hid her face behind her hat.

"Who is that?" she whispered loudly.

"That's Jaejoong."

Her eyes went wide. "Your bestest friend?"

Yoochun met Jaejoong's eyes. They were cold, guarded, and Yoochun wanted to see him smile.

"Yeah, my bestest friend. Do you want to meet him?"

"Is he a cowboy?"

Yoochun laughed, and Jae's mouth turned in a smile.

"No. I'm definitely not a cowboy," Jae said.

"He likes to ride though," the other man said.

Jaejoong slugged him in the knee and stood up.

With each step closer, Yoochun couldn't breathe. Jae was still gorgeous and he still looked twenty years old. His hair was a deep wine red, his skin still flawless. He wore brown pants, a blacked ribbed sweater pushed up his forearms. And Yoochun could tell he still had all that muscle. His mouth went dry.

"Hi, little lady," Jae said, and Hana turned away.

Yoochun smiled at Jae and said, "Hey now. I thought you wanted to ask Jaejoong a question."

She pulled away, eyes wide. She glanced at Jaejoong quickly. "Can I?"

"Of course, but you have to introduce yourself first."

Hana bit her lip. "Like Momma taught me?"

Yoochun nodded and set her down.

She looked up at Jaejoong and held out her hand. He shook it. "My name is Hana Park and I am seven years old and in first grade."

"It's very nice to meet you, Hana Park. My name is Kim Jaejoong. I am twenty-nine"—the other man coughed thirty-one--"and I live in Amsterdam."

"No. Daddy said you lived in Europe."

"Amsterdam is in Europe."

"Oh."

"You can ask your question,” Yoochun said.

Hana looked up at Jaejoong and hooked her finger. He crouched down. "Daddy says that I'm his cowgirl, but he also says that I can live in Europe if I want to, but I don't want to if there aren't rodeos because how can you be a cowgirl if you don't rodeo? Are there rodeos in Europe?"

Jae smiled, and Yoochun saw his little girl swoon. "Oh, there are definitely rodeos in Europe."

"Really? And cowgirls too?"

Jae nodded. "Really."

"But they're the kind that would ride anything," the other muttered.

Yoochun was starting to dislike him and based on Junsu's frown, so did he.

"Did you hear, Daddy? They do have European cowgirls."

"Yep. I told you."

"Sweetums," Junsu suddenly said. "Minji and her brothers are building something to destroy right over that hill."

"Can I go, Daddy, please?"

"Yes, but listen for me. We can't stay long."

"Thank you, Daddy!" She hugged his legs and then ran off.

"She's gorgeous," Jaejoong said.

Yoochun had to swallow to say thanks. They stared at each other for a moment and then Jae smiled and covered the distance between them. His arms went around Yoochun's neck. After only a moment, Yoochun put his arms around Jae's hips.

"It is so good to see you," Jae whispered into his hair.

Yoochun didn't reply. If he tried, he'd cry and he really didn't need to cry right now. He buried his face in Jaejoong's neck. Jae tightened his hold.

“God, you smell good,” Yoochun whispered.

"You still stink."

Yoochun laughed into his neck; he felt Jae shiver.

"Okay, god, hands off my boyfriend, please."

Jae pulled away and rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Minnie. I haven't seen him in ten years."

But it broke the moment and Yoochun stepped away. Jae smiled and then gave him a once over.

“Still sexy as always, Chunnie."

Yoochun smiled, and then cocked his head. "I think you're even prettier than you were ten years ago."

Jae laughed and slapped his shoulder. "Don't call me pretty, jack ass."

"So, do I even exist right now?" the other asked.

Yoochun and Jae kept eye contact for a moment longer, and the moment transferred one thought: _Later._

"Sorry, darling," Jae said and turned away from Yoochun. "Chunnie, this is Changmin, the current boyfriend. Minnie, this is my Yoochun."

Changmin rolled his eyes, but he still stood up and shook Yoochun's hand. "It's good to meet you," Changmin said. "I think I've heard every 'this one time with Chunnie' stories."

Junsu scoffed. "I'm sure you haven't."

"So," Jae said, tone careful. "Little girl, huh?"

Yoochun nodded. "And a three year old son."

Jae smiled.

Silence fell.

"Amsterdam?" Yoochun asked.

Jaejoong nodded.

"What happened to Paris?"

"After working for a few years, I got to decide where to go. I've lived in Madrid, Prague, Stockholm. Now I'm in Amsterdam."

"Sounds ... exciting?"

Jaejoong laughed, hand coming up to cover his mouth, and Yoochun’s heart constricted.

"So bro," Junsu said, "you were explaining the boyfriend."

"Don't talk about him like he's not right here," Jae said immediately.

Junsu rolled his eyes and said to Changmin, "My most sincere apologies."

"Su!"

The brothers glared at each other.

Changmin rolled his eyes. "It’s alright, Jae."

"No, it’s not."

"Look, bro. It's not that you're gay—"

"Bi, thank you."

"Whatever. We all kind of figured anyway, but he's been pretty rude since he got here."

Changmin frowned.

"According to country standards," Jae said.

"Just don't let Junho hear you make sexual innuendos around his children. We may be country, but we ain't stupid."

"Junsu," Yoochun said quietly.

"Sorry. I can't deal with this right now." And Junsu stood up and walked into the house.

Jaejoong sighed and pulled out a cigarette. He offered the pack to Yoochun.

"I haven't had a cigarette in ten years," Yoochun said.

Changmin snorted. "Only thing about him I don't like."

Jaejoong smiled around an exhale of smoke. He draped a leg over the arm of his chair and Yoochun saw he was wearing cowboy boots.

"That's a lie," Jae said, without taking his eyes from Yoochun. "You don't like the cowboy hat hanging from my bedpost."

Yoochun’s breath caught and he looked at the boots more closely.

"True. I don't like those boots either."

"They remind me of home." Jae put a foot up on the table between them.

Yoochun swallowed. Carved on the heel of the boot were his initials: PYC

"The home you couldn't wait to leave."

"Yep, that one."

Jaejoong took another drag.

"So where did you two meet?" Yoochun asked, trying to get his mind off the fact that Jae still had his boots, and his hat.

Jae smiled and flicked ash from his cigarette. "Amsterdam. We got in a fight over the quality of some sculpture and I ended up in the bathroom on my knees."

"Nice."

"And how did you snag up the girl I was supposed to marry?"

Yoochun laughed.

"What?" Changmin demanded.

"Crissy has eight older brothers," Yoochun said. "Jaejoong has eight older sisters. We were what? Fifteen, sixteen, getting drunk in some field with a couple of kids and someone-"

"You," Jaejoong said. "It was you."

"Was not."

"Yes, it was."

"Whatever. Anyway _someone_ \--”

“You.”

“—said it was a sign and they should get married, and we never let it go. I think she did have a crush on you back then."

"Yeah, that's why she called me ‘Yoochun's bastard friend’."

"Everyone called you that."

Jae snorted. "God, I am so glad I got out of this place. So how did you end up with her?"

"I stole her from Yunho."

Jae laughed. "What?"

"Yunho said I'd never find a girl to marry me, and Crissy said something like any girl would like to marry me, and Yunho got all pissed off. So I told Crissy I'd marry her and it took me about two months until she broke up with Yunho and less than a year later we got married."

"Where's Yunho now?"

Yoochun shrugged. "Last I heard he lived south somewhere."

"You love her."

Yoochun scoffed. "Of course, I love her. Except that she's threatening to tear the old barn down."

"It’s still there?"

"Of course."

Their eyes met for a long moment, and then Jae sort of smiled and flicked the ash on his cigarette.

"Is that the famous barn of all your childhood misdeeds?" Changmin asked.

Yoochun met his eyes, and then met Jaejoong's again. Carefully blank, but somehow Yoochun knew that look meant Changmin didn't know about them.

"Yeah, it is."

Changmin looked back and forth between them and then sighed. "You two are a piece of work. Haven't seen each other in ten years and you can still talk with your eyes."

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Look!"

Little footsteps ran through the gravel and up the stairs. Hana's boots slid on the porch as she stopped in front of Yoochun. She held up her hands. There was a garter snake wrapped around her wrist and fingers.

Yoochun jerked back and just managed to nod. “That’s … nice, cowgirl.”

She looked confused and then Jae was there. He crouched down next to Yoochun's chair. His hand rested on Yoochun's arm. Yoochun couldn't breathe.

"Well, he is gorgeous. May I hold him?"

"You like snakes, Uncle Jaejoong?"

Jae smiled and met Yoochun's eyes. Jae had already won over his daughter's heart, and with how fast Yoochun's was beating, it was reminding him that his heart had been won over long ago.

Jae took the snake and let it crawl up around his arm.

"That thing is going to bite you," Changmin said.

Jae laughed. "It's a garter snake, Min. I'm too big to eat for dinner, so I'm not worth the trouble of biting."

Hana giggled. "Can I keep him, Daddy?"

"No, little cowgirl. You go put him back."

"But, Daddy-"

"He's got a home somewhere," Jae said quietly as he gave the snake back. "He'll be sad if you take him from his home."

Yoochun swallowed a lump in his throat. And then said, "Hurry and come back. Momma's probably wondering where we are."

"Ah, but I don't want to go yet. I want to talk to Uncle Jaejoong about Europe."

Yoochun met Jaejoong's eyes. "How long will you be here?"

"A couple days. Don't know. Junho might kick us out."

"Go take the snake back," Yoochun said to Hana.

"Okay."

They watched her walk away.

"She looks just like you," Jaejoong said. "Poor thing."

Yoochun smiled. "Brat."


	5. Last Time

**Warning: Angst. I strongly suggest you have tissues handy.**

Junsu came back to the porch, arms crossed. "So what's the plan? I told Steph that you were staying at the hotel in town and she almost bit my head off. She's downstairs putting clean sheets on the bed in the guestroom."

"Thanks," Jae said.

"Are you staying for lunch?"

Jae met Yoochun's eyes. He could see the thinly veiled begging, so Yoochun cleared his throat. "They're going to come over and say hi to Crissy, so we'll feed them."

Junsu nodded. "Well, see you for dinner then. Do you want to join us, Chunnie?"

"I'll ask Crissy if she has plans."

"Okay."

And Junsu went back inside.

"Guess you're coming to my house," Yoochun said.

"Where do your parents live now?" Jae asked.

"They moved next door to your folks about three years ago. Dad broke his leg and never really recovered from it."

They walked down the stairs. Yoochun stared in the direction he'd last seen Hana. He put his tongue on the roof of his mouth and whistled loudly.

"Shit," Changmin said and rubbed his ear.

"Oh, sorry," Yoochun said as Hana appeared running.

"Trained like a dog."

"Hey with as much land as she could be on, it’s good to have a system."

"Do we really hafta go?" Hana said with a pout.

"Yes, but Jaejoong and Changmin are coming with us?"

"Really?" she said and attached herself to Jaejoong's hand, and pulled him around the house. "Are you going to ride with us?"

"Ride?" Changmin said.

"We rode here. Horses, see? That's Baby, and that's Lightning. Lightning is my Daddy's horse. No one else can ride him because he's a picky bastard."

"Hana!"

"That's what Momma said!"

Jae and Changmin chuckled. Jae stepped up to Lightning, hand out.

"Um, Jae," Yoochun said.

Jae shushed him.

Lightning sniffed Jae's hand, and then snorted, like Jae was less than dirt.

"You're not picky, Lightning,” Jae said. “You just know what you want. And Yoochun is definitely the best. But, I'm prettier than he is."

To Yoochun's utter amazement, Lightning butted Jae's hand and nudged forward a bit. And then Jae raised his other hand and scratched behind Lightning's ears. "Why do they call you Lightning anyway?”

"He was born during a storm. It was a tough birth for the mother. Lightning struck a tree nearby and we had to leave the mare alone to go put out the fire, but when we came back, he was fine, she was dead, and I'm the only one he let feed him."

Jae nodded. He met Yoochun's eyes and said, "Good things always happen during storms."  
  
Yoochun looked away, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. Jae moved to Lightning's side. He put his foot in the stirrup and swung up into the saddle like he'd been doing it for years. Lightning shied, but didn't buck and Jae kept a hold on the reins, leaning forward, whispering to the horse. The fire in his eyes died, his ears perked up, and then Jae smiled at Yoochun.

"You coulda been a great horseman, city boy," Yoochun said.

Jae laughed. "Come on, Changmin. I promised you a ride while we were here, didn't I?"

"This is not what I had in mind," he muttered, eyeing Lightning.

Lightning moved away from him with a high, warning whinny. Front feet lifting off the ground.

"Looks like you are going to ride Baby," Yoochun said with a laugh.

"What about you?"

"I'll ride with Jae."

"I want to ride with Uncle Jaejoong," Hana said with a pout.

"Lightning isn't going to let you."

"I know."

Changmin looked nervous. "I think I'll drive."

"Don't be a pus-"

"Jae." Yoochun said in warning.

"Um, don't be scared, Minnie. Baby is really calm. She won't buck you off."

"How do I get on this thing?"

Trying not to laugh, Yoochun moved next to the horse. He showed Changmin how to mount twice.

"God, Min, you've jumped out of an airplane before. Don't be such a wimp."

Changmin swallowed again, but hooked his foot in the stirrup and pulled up. He missed the first try and almost fell on his ass. Jae laughed at him. He managed the second time. Yoochun lifted Hana up with him.

She looked unhappy that it wasn't Jaejoong, then Changmin said, "My life is in your hands, cowgirl. Don't let this thing kill me."

She giggled. "It’s just a horse." And just like that they were friends. Hana nudged Baby to go and she started teaching Changmin how to ride.

Yoochun looked up at Jae.

"You gonna ride with me, cowboy?" Jae asked.

Yoochun nodded. Jae held out his hand, and Yoochun used it to help swing up onto Lightning's back, behind the saddle.

"We don't both fit in the saddle anymore," Jae whispered.

Before Yoochun could reply, Jae nudged Lightning in the side and they jerked forward. Yoochun grabbed onto Jae's hips to keep from sliding off.

Jae made no effort to catch up with the other two. When Yoochun moved his hands to grip the saddle instead, Jae let out a whine of disappointment and leaned back. Yoochun had no choice but to let him, but he kept his hands on the saddle. They ended up with shoulders pressed together, and Jae almost laying his head on Yoochun’s.

"Miss me?"

Yoochun sighed, and didn't answer.

Jae scoffed. "Asshole."

"Yes, of course, I missed you."

"Past tense?"

He shrugged. "It’s been ten years."

Jae sighed. "Are you happy?"

"Yes. Are you?"

Jae shrugged. "I'm rich. I never have to work again in my life. I'm beautiful, people beg me to have sex with them. I own a Spanish villa in Amsterdam, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who even if he's a bastard, keeps me from getting too cocky-"

Yoochun scoffed.

"-so yeah. I guess. Does that equate happiness?"

"Not to me, but maybe for you. Did you do everything you left for?"

"I can't remember why I left."

Yoochun didn't reply to that. Instead he asked, "Why the sudden visit?"

"Changmin wants to move to LA. I told him I wasn't going back to the States unless it was to visit my family, so we compromised. A week or so here, and then I'd go to LA with him to look at houses."

"Yoohwan lives in LA."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he's a researcher at an aquarium."

"Cool."

"You don't want to move to LA?"

"It's more that I don't want to move with Changmin," Jae said, voice dropping to a lower whisper. "I care for him and all, but I'm kind of bored. Time for the next thing. Well, not yet, but soon."

"What's the next thing?"

Jae shrugged, and they rode in silence. Hana’s excited chatter traveled back to them, but they were too far away to understand.

"There are houses here," Jae said in surprise. “Isn’t this your property?”

"No. After Dad broke his leg, we couldn't work all the land and the medical bills were high, so he had to sell. People bought and built. It’s nice having neighbors, and most have kids Hana's age. I have a hundred acres. Only four horses."

"That's it?"

Yoochun nodded and sighed. "Crissy wants to move to the city."

Jae twisted and stared at him. “You, in the city? Is she crazy?”

"I know."

"And?"

Yoochun shrugged. "I don't want to go."

"Well, duh."

Yoochun smiled. "She knows that. We don't fight about it or anything, but we don't talk about it either."

"Huh." He turned back around.

They rode in silence for a little while, and then Yoochun cleared his throat. "I still have your shoes."

Jae smiled. "Someone threw up on your jacket, so I tossed that. I wear these boots all the time."

Yoochun took a really deep breath. He cast one more look at his daughter and Changmin, and then moved one hand, sliding it along Jae's lower back. Holding his breath, he tugged on the sweater until he touched skin. Jae's breath hitched. Yoochun pressed his lips against the back of Jae's neck. Jae moaned, low in his throat.

"I miss you," Yoochun whispered, "but I love my family, and Crissy would never forgive me. I would never forgive me. I—I want you, Jaejoong. More than anything, but I can’t. I can’t."

Jae gasped. "I—I never should have left you."

"You'd have been miserable."

"I'm miserable now, at least then I would have had you." Jae reached a hand back and gripped Yoochun’s fingers.

Yoochun kept his head leaning against Jae's, his lips skimming his skin on his neck. "Jae, you know I love you, right? More than Crissy, more than anything but my children."

"I know. I love you, too."

“But, this … I—“

"Daddy! Why are you going so slow?"

Yoochun sighed. "I guess we'll talk later."

"Barn at midnight?"

"Jae-"

"When else are we going to talk?"

Yoochun nodded. "Okay."

"Uncle Joongie!"

"We're coming, little cowgirl. Wait for us."

They stopped, both turning around as Jae and Yoochun caught up. Changmin was frowning, eyes slightly narrowed.

"Daddy! Changmin can fly planes!"

"Really?"

"Yep, he's a pilot."

"Cool."

Yoochun spent the rest of the ride asking about Changmin's tourism business. Maybe if he got to know the man a bit, he'd be less likely to succumb to the temptation that Jaejoong offered. They went to the stables. Hana was still in 'teacher mode' and made Changmin rub Baby down. To Yoochun's amazement, Lightning let Jaejoong brush him, and even didn't kick when Jae inspected his shoes.

Crissy met them on the front porch, Jacob's hand clutched tightly in hers.

"Hi Crissy," Jaejoong said and kissed her cheek.

"Dang, Jaejoong. You look like you're still in high school. Have you discovered the fountain of youth or something? Look at that skin."

Jae smiled. "Well, you look like Yoochun spoils you rotten."

Crissy smiled. "He does."

Jae held his hand out for Changmin. "This is Changmin."

"It's nice to meet you," he said with a bow and he kissed the back of her hand.

“You two, and he is—” She trailed off.

Jae nodded. “Yep.”

“Huh. Can’t say I’m surprised,” she said.

“That’s what Junsu said.”

Jaejoong crouched down. Jacob hid his face against Crissy's leg. "Howdy."

He looked over at him, brown eyes wide, a finger in his mouth.

Jae smiled. "You are going to be a heart breaker, little man."

Jacob giggled and then hid completely behind Crissy. Jaejoong stood back up.

"Lunch is almost ready," Crissy said. "Potatoes are baking."

"Uncle Jaejae, come see my room," Hana said and dragged Jae into the house.

"Boots, cowgirl,” Yoochun said.

"I know. We have to take our boots off," she said to Jae. "Daddy says boots are for outdoors."

"Your daddy is smart."

"He's the best daddy in the whole country."

Yoochun's throat closed.

“You okay?" Crissy asked.

"Yeah," he replied. "It's just ... Jaejoong."

|_K_|

Yoochun sat at the kitchen table. Only the light above the sink was on. He had his face in his hands, confusion in his heart.

It was eleven forty five.

"Yoochun."

He jerked up, trying to calm the anguish in his face.

"Yoochun," Crissy said again this time with concern.

"I'm okay."

"Liar."

"Yeah."

"You want to talk about it?"

He shook his head.

She frowned. "I know you, not as well as he does, but this is about Jaejoong, isn't it?"

Yoochun nodded. "It's hard to see him. Sometimes I feel like he abandoned me, but he asked me to go with him and I didn't, so did I abandon him?"

"Were you two more than friends?" she asked carefully.

He smiled wryly and she looked away.

"The girls and I always wondered."

"He was my other half, Crissy. Lovers? No." He was so glad he said that without his voice shaking. "Just... then, I would have done anything for him, but when it came down to it, I was too ..."

"Scared?"

"No. We wanted different things." He stood up and kissed her cheek. "I'm getting claustrophobic. I'm going to go take a walk."

"Please don't be out too late. You haven't slept well for the last few nights."

"I know. I'm sorry to worry you." He touched her cheek. "Please don't wait up for me. It's no good if we both are exhausted tomorrow."

Yoochun walked under the stars. The moon was bright. He tried to convince himself that he wasn't going to the old barn but his feet were connected to his heart instead of his brain. In the distance he saw a light flicker and die, flicker and die. It took him a moment to realize it was Jae's lighter. He walked faster, pulled toward him, again his heart overriding his brain.

He didn't wait for Jae to say anything, pinning Jae to the side of the bar with his hips and his lips. Jae grunted in surprise when his head slammed against the old wood. Yoochun settled his hands on Jae's hips, readjusting until their bodies fit together once again. Their lips molded, tongues pushing, demanding together.

Yoochun whimpered because only Jae could kiss him like this. Only Jae could turn his insides to goo and then set them on fire until his blood felt like it was bubbling. He made another noise, anguish, pain, hurt and yanked himself away from Jaejoong.

Two steps, and then he fell to his knees, crying out, face in his hands. Jae was there in a moment, arms around his shoulders.

"I'm so sorry, Yoochun," Jae whispered. "Please, I-"

Yoochun growled, twisted and pinned Jae beneath him. Jae's breath came out in a whoosh. Their bodies fit together again.

"God damn it, Jae," Yoochun practically shouted, and slammed Jae's shoulders to the ground.

"Ow, fucker."

Yoochun sat back on his knees, so their crotches were no longer pushed together. But he couldn't look at Jae, and he stared at the sky, looking for constellations among the many stars.

Jae's hands rubbed up and down his thighs.

Yoochun's eyes shut. "All I can hear is my little girl telling you that I'm the best daddy in the whole country, and all I want to do is rip off your clothes and cheat on my wife and fuck--"

Yoochun stood up with an aggravated yell. He went to the barn and punched the old siding, ignoring the pain, and then there were arms around him again, holding, keeping him secure. He turned in the embrace and kissed Jaejoong again.

Jae pulled away. "Stop it, just stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop torturing yourself. I did not come here to throw your life out of whack, alright?"

"Then why the fuck-"

"I came to visit you, to see my family, to... to... okay so fine, I came to see if you still wanted me. Damn it, Yoochun, I had every intention of seducing you until I met your little girl. She means the world to you, and a fling with you isn't worth losing that."

"Now I'm a fling?"

Jae shut his eyes with a sigh. "Of course not. You're my world, Chunnie."

Yoochun kissed him again, soft, comfortable and Jae moaned and melded into his body.

"God, only you can kiss me like that, Chunnie, so I lose sense of everything else."

Yoochun pressed their foreheads together. "Same here.”

They held each other, arms around waists, eyes locked.

"I did something stupid," Jae said.

"What this time?"

Jae pushed him away and pulled off his t-shirt. He took his lighter and flicked up a flame, holding it so the light danced over the muscles of his chest. On his pec muscle, where Yoochun had marked him ten years ago, was a tattoo in simple script: _love will never fade_

Yoochun stared at it. Read it and re-read it even after Jae extinguished the flame. He reached out, shaking and then shivering when his hand met the heat of Jae's skin. He traced over the letters. And then he met Jae's eyes and swallowed.

He unbuttoned his shirt. "You actually broke my skin that night," he whispered. "Just a little bit."

Using the fingers of one hand, he found the tiny scar, and then took Jae's hand with his other. He directed the tip of Jae's finger to the scar. Jae caressed it, back and forth, with his finger and then with his nail.

"I was stupid," Jae said. "I was running all over the world looking for who I belonged to when that person was here the whole time. And now I've lost you. Lost my chance to be insanely and utterly happy."

"Jae-"

"What, Yoochun? What? I fucked up, and I'm sorry. But you're happy. I know you are. I can see it in your eyes, in your smile, in the way you look at your wife and children. I can't break that apart. It could have been mine. But—"

"You did not fuck up," Yoochun said. “You would have been miserable here."

"But you would have made the misery worth it. You always did. Always."

Hands still on each others chests, Yoochun kissed him again. Salty tears mingled with their lips.

"Would you understand if I said I never wanted to see you again?"

Yoochun nodded. "Yes."

Jae tried to bite back a sob, and Yoochun hugged him close, his face buried in Yoochun's shoulder.

"I want you one more time," Jae said. "Just one more, because I'm starting to forget what your skin tastes like and I don't want to forget." And then his tongue darted out and he licked Yoochun's nipple. Fingers brushed over his other nipple.

Yoochun gasped. "Please, Jae, I can't do this."

"Then let me do it."

Yoochun held him away by his shoulders. Stared at the pain and pleading in Jae's eyes, and his heart broke, his resolve crumbled. He had let Jae down ten years ago, choosing what he wanted over Jae.

Selfish.

And now, as his wife and kids slept in their home, he was going to be selfish again. It was what Jae needed, needed to let go and move on, but Yoochun just wanted it. He wanted the feel of Jae around him, holding him.

Yoochun kissed him, fast and needy, fingers fighting with the buttons on Jae's jeans. Jae whimpered as he tried to kick the boots off, and only seconds later, he was naked. Yoochun grabbed his cock and stroked hard and fast. Jae opened his mouth to cry out, but it was muffled as Yoochun shoved two fingers into his mouth. Jae moaned, deep, wanting, and sucked on the fingers.

With his other hand, Yoochun unbuckled his belt and undid his pants. He ripped his fingers from Jae's mouth and spun him around. He only gave Je enough time to put his hand on the wall and then he pushed both fingers into him at once.

Jae screamed, head tilting back. Yoochun pressed close. He closed his mouth at that juncture between neck and shoulder and bit down. Jae moaned and snapped his hips back on Yoochun's fingers. Yoochun trailed his hand around Jae's chest and then down his stomach. He grabbed Jae's cock again and stroked him.

"Fuck, Yoochun. God, this-"

"Shut up, Jae, please."

Jaejoong nodded and went back to incoherent moans. After a few more moments, Jae's cock pulsed and his body tightened around his fingers.

"Fuck! Chunnie, fuck!" Jae came, and Yoochun twisted his hand to catch most of it in his palm.

While Jae tried to steady his breathing, Yoochun kicked off his boots and pants. He lowered them to the ground, with him on the bottom. Jae would never forgive him for getting dirt in his hair.

Yoochun covered his cock with Jae's come. Jae was still shaking, but he managed to stay up, straddling Yoochun. Yoochun held his cock and shifted Jae's pliable body until he was poised to enter him. He could feel Jae's channel clenching, begging. And so he thrust up, hard and pushed Jae's hips down at the same time. They both cried out and then Yoochun was thrusting up, knees bent holding Jae were he wanted him.

It was hard and fast and Yoochun didn't dare blink. He wanted to remember this. Remember every facial expression, every twist of Jae's mouth. Every touch, feel and noise. Jae put his hands flat on Yoochun's chest and lifted himself up, suddenly taking over the movements.

"God, Jae. Faster."

Jae swallowed. “I wanted this slow," he said, voice cracking. "Like last time, not a quick dirty fuck on the ground."

"I wanted you forever, so we're both disappointed."

Tear tracks sparkled on both of their cheeks in the moonlight.

"I hate what you do to me," Jae said. "I hate it."

"Me, too."

Jae screamed in frustration and sped up. Yoochun reached between them and grabbed Jae's cock, tugging on it harshly. His orgasm shot through him, sudden violent, just like their sex, and he came, filling Jae up. His eyes shut with a groan as Jae's body tightened around him, but he kept moving, never wanting it to end, never wanting to leave this man's body.

Jae's body jerked and he stopped, Yoochun's cock buried deep. Yoochun stroked faster as Jae's breath faltered. His cock jerked, and then come arched over Yoochun and splattered on his chest.

Jae immediately collapsed, crying, screaming into Yoochun's shoulder, hitting his chest over and over.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

Yoochun held him close and rocked him, kissing his head.

When Jae sat up, Yoochun wanted to look away from the hurt in those eyes.

"I want to ask you again to come with me. But I know you won't. And... and you'd hate me for it, because you would. You would be stupid, and you would leave your wife and you would come and be miserable just to be with me. I know you would because I would to. Just tell me to stay, Yoochun, and I promise, this time I will. But you know I will and you know I will be miserable, so just like last time we're going to leave this place without each other and-oh, god, I'm going to lose you, I'm never going to see you again and--"

He broke off with a cry. When Yoochun tried to hold him he pushed away. He whimpered in anguish when Yoochun slipped out of his body. He crawled away, found his clothes and started dressing. Yoochun slowly stood up and did the same. Jae was walking away before Yoochun finished.

"Jae!"

"Don’t, Chunnie. I- I shouldn't have come and we shouldn't have and--fuck."

Yoochun shoved his foot in his boot and ran after him.

"No," Yoochun growled and spun him around. "I don't care how much this hurts, but damn it Jaejoong, I love you. And if you want to disappear from my life forever, then fine, do it, but not without you knowing that I love you."

Jae’s eyes shut, more tears falling. "I'm so sorry, Yoochun."

"Me, too."

"I do love you."

"I know. I love you. Forever."

Jae put his hand to Yoochun's chest. Yoochun did the same and pressed their foreheads together again.

Jae choked back a sob, kissed Yoochun quickly and then turned and ran away in the dark.

Yoochun let him go. He went back to the barn and leaned against the side. He cried, silently, remembering the feel and taste of Jaejoong. Angrily, he pushed away from the wall. His boot kicked something ahead of him. He bent down and picked up Jae’s lighter. It was red. He flicked the flame once, and then put it in his shirt pocket. With one more sigh, he headed back to his house.


	6. Epilogue: Everything Changes

**Five Years Later**

Yoochun stood, eyes shut, inside the old barn. The morning sun filtered through the weathered wooden slats. He wondered for a moment how safe it would be, then said screw it and climbed the rickety ladder.

Things weren't the same. Despite the rule that their children were not allowed to play in here, both Jacob and Hana's names were carved into the wood, as were all of Junho and Junsu's kids' names.

But Yoochun only cared about one part of it. It wasn't hard to pry up the board that had his and Jae's name carved into it. He took it back down the ladder and left it by the door, and took one more cursory trek through his childhood memories.

Thirty-six and he finally felt like he was growing up, like he was reaching past who he always thought he was. It took five years but Crissy finally convinced him to move, and Yoohwan helped them find a house near his, one on a half acre of land.

And Yoochun had a job. There was a riding school that Yoohwan sent all his children to that agreed to hire him on as a trainer. And they also agreed to stable Storm and Tookee. The Kims bought his land and, Junho and his family were moving into their house. Yoochun knew he'd be back to visit so it wasn't like he was really saying good bye.

Hana didn't want to leave, but Jacob was finicky about dirt and grime and poo. Definitely not a country boy.

Yoochun paused in the far corner, both hands on the wall and let tears fall. Two weeks after his last night with Jaejoong, he told Crissy everything. All his secrets, every moment with Jaejoong. He expected her to leave him. But she cried and held him and said, "It's okay to love him, baby. I've known from the start that he's held more of you than I have." And then she slapped him for cheating on her, and life moved on.

He kicked the wall in frustration, upsetting the dust and cobwebs in the corner. He went to turn away, and his eye caught an unnatural shape in the dust. He toed it with his boot, and then laughed. He bent down and picked up the blue bottle. He could still hear it as it tumbled down the loft after Jae had thrown it almost fifteen years ago. Yoochun wiped the dust from it, stared at it and then set it back in the corner.

He left the barn, taking the two-by-four with him. He picked up the hatchet and hacked at it until he was left with the part with their names. Crissy wouldn't like it, but she'd understand.

He mounted Storm, Lightning’s fiery colt, and rode to the house without looking back.

They left the next morning, stopping in town to say goodbye to his parents and the Kims.

"I am so proud of you," his mom said. "So proud, but don't be a stranger. You and Yoohwan need to visit at least once a year.”

“We will, Ma. I promise."

Mrs. Kim hugged him, and then he heard a paper crumple as she put it in his shirt pocket. "His phone number. He lives in New York," she whispered.

Yoochun's breath caught. "I ca-"

"I know," she said and touched his cheek, “but just in case.”

He hugged her tightly.

"Dad, do we have to go?" Hana asked again.

"Yes, cowgirl, we do." She folded her arms and pouted.

They said final goodbyes and then left. He was driving his truck, towing the horse trailer. Hana sat next to him, sulking. Crissy followed in the U-haul, towing their other car.

A few hours later, they stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. He looked over at Hana. The girl said nothing the whole trip, but Yoochun didn't mind. He didn't want to talk either. With a sigh, she got out of the truck and walked towards the bathrooms.

Hana had missed Jaejoong when he'd left, but once a year she got a birthday card from him. There was never a return address.

He dug the paper from his shirt pocket, pulling out the red lighter with it. He thought of calling him for Hana’s sake, but knew in his heart that would just be an excuse to talk to him. Nothing good would come from it. He couldn't be friends with Jaejoong. His heart wanted more than that. His soul needed more than that.

All or nothing. And he already had enough in his wife and children.

He flicked the lighter and put it up to the paper. Fire curled around the ten numbers. He held it until the flames licked his fingers. He dropped it to the floor boards and snuffed it out with his boot.

The lighter slipped back into his shirt pocket.


End file.
